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"Speaking the Truth in Love" _______________________________________________________________________ Resolving Issues and Avoiding Gossip and Slander |
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“You shall not utter a false report. You shall not join hands with a wicked man, to be a malicious witness." (Exodus 23: 1)
“The tongue of the wise dispenses knowledge; but the mouths of fools pour out folly." (Proverbs 15: 2)
“Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks… I tell you, on the day of judgment men will render account for every careless word they utter; for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” (Matthew 12: 34, 36, 37)
The concern for knowing the Truth is clear in the Scriptures. We know gossip and slander are sin. When and how do we speak the Truth with love and healing? Our words can have an effect on relationships and peoples’ perceptions. How we respond to what we hear is very important to Christ. Scripture speaks directly to how these situations must be approached.
1. Make certain our motives are to try to resolve issues in love and harmony with what is true according to the Gospel versus proving “I am right.”
Pilate asked Christ, “What is Truth?” (John 18: 38). Jesus’ lack of response was due both to the fact that Truth Himself was staring Pilate in the face and the challenge to see if there was a real desire to even know the Truth. Some people look for an excuse to “get back” at another—to assassinate another’s character—rather than to engender healing. That is sin.
2. Go directly to the person you see sinning or with whom there is an issue.
This means speaking to the person first rather than telling everyone else but the person to whom we need to be speaking. “So if you are offering your gift before the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come offer your gift” (Matthew 5: 23, 24 ). This means that our prayer and worship are totally unacceptable to God until the matter has been resolved. “If your brother sins against you, go tell him his fault, between you and him alone” (Matthew 18: 15). The adage about hearing a rumor and “going straight to the horse’s mouth (the source),” is definitely important.
3. Avoid Abusive Speech and Accusations.
“But I say to you all that every one who is greatly angry (enraged) with his brother is liable to judgment. Whoever insults his brother shall be liable to the council. Whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the Gehenna (hell) of fire” (Matt. 5: 22).
4. Get clarity for yourself.
In going to the person first, ask questions for yourself, not on behalf of others. When Pilate asked Jesus if He was the King of the Jews, the Lord responded, “Do you ask this for yourself, or because others say it to you about Me?” (John 18: 34). We need to be clear for ourselves about what was supposedly said and done. That can only come about by first speaking to the person involved. Getting things second and third hand are very dangerous to take as truth. If things are not resolved, get another person or two, who can help bring more objectivity to the situation, to meet with you and the person in question (Matt. 18: 16, 17). Also avoid the phrase "People are saying...". What people? Who? Often this is used by people to avoid taking personal responsibility for expressing concerns for themselves.
5. Ask Questions and Listen; Don’t Assume.
Before we share something we heard, we should ask ourselves first, “Is it the truth?” A lot of assumptions are often made. (Many of us know the old joke: if one assumes, it makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me”.) When Christ was on trial and was questioned if He was indeed the Messiah, He responded, “If I tell you, you will not believe; and if I ask you, you will not answer” (Luke 22: 67, 68). His judges’ assumptions and concerns were sadly more important than the Truth.
6. When someone complains to us about someone else, our first question should be “Have you talked to this person yet?”, and if not, “Why not?”
Is there a real desire to resolve the situation? Am I part of the problem or part of the solution? If not, why is this person sharing this with me? After a while venting becomes what therapists refer to as “emotional vomiting” and the excuse for not just “getting on with life.” Also remember, we are only hearing their viewpoint. (This is why Marriage Therapists will never counsel one spouse about their marriage without the involvement of the other.)
7. Avoid “Triangulating.”
People avoiding resolution often find someone to be the “middle man” through whom they communicate with each other. However, this is a very dysfunctional way of coping with issues and having relationships. Nothing is ever genuinely resolved if people do not come face to face. Even “tax-collectors” (unbelievers) know to do as much” (Matt. 5: 46).
8. Avoid “confidentiality” that hinders rather than heals.
One of the worst scenarios is when someone says, “A person said to me in confidence that they have something serious against you,” etc., but you cannot go and clarify the issue “because they will know who told you.” Sadly, here there is greater concern with keeping that relationship (and “being in the know”) rather than the healing that the Lord wants. “So we speak, not to please men, but to please God, who tests our hearts” (I Thessalonians 2: 4). If someone shares something of this nature, we are not required to keep this kind of confidence when it allows wrong perceptions to fester.
Saint Matthew's Greek Orthodox Church O Holy
Apostle and Evangelist Matthew, intercede to our merciful God,
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